Monday, October 20, 2008

Killing Me Softly

The wedding weekend has come and gone and I'm still standing. When my doctor approved this junket, he warned me to be very careful around people. How careful can you be when you're seeing relatives and family friends you haven't seen in years? Not very. I was crazy to think I could engage in safe social intercourse.

It was an orgy of personal contact. I was hugged and kissed and spoken to up close. I found myself in hot rooms with many bodies. My only prophylaxis was to practice shallow breathing, inhaling so shallowly I felt dizzy. I'm sure my doctor would classify this as high risk behavior.

I was told over and over that I look fantastic, something I began to see as a left-handed compliment of sorts. Did I look good considering what I've been through (a comparatively low bar)? I began joking with my husband that the unspoken part of the compliment might be "for someone who'd had one foot in the grave."

I'm being uncharitable. Most of these people would have paid me the same compliment even if I hadn't been to hell and back. It's just something you say, a matter of normal niceties, except that I'm not normal.

Right after the wedding (which was lovely, by the way), I felt truly ill. I think it was a combination of poor food choice, anxiety and exhaustion. It was also the first time I've worn pantyhose in three years.

It'll be a few days before I'll know if my behavior has any negative consequences. In the meantime, I'm remembering how good I looked.


Anonymous said...

Oh I feel for you. I am happy you went to the wedding and it always seems like such a catch with post transplanters to "regain some new normal and challenge your immune system" and being safe.

I think you are going to be fine (physically) but I would feel the same feelings you are thinking right now as well.

Great job sharing the emotions of this roller coaster! Keep going!

Ronni Gordon said...

I'm sure I too would feel paranoid during and after, but they wouldn't have let you go if they didn't think you could survive it. I also know how you feel about the "you look great" compliment, but I'm sure they meant it. Judging from the photos you posted, you do look great! Glad you got to do another normal thing. Rest up and you'll be ready for more!

Melinda said...

It must have been the pantyhose!

Everybody's always telling me how great I look, too, 10 months after transplant.

Except for one woman I know from years ago at my kids' school. W chatted a bit at the supermarket, and she asked me how work was going. I told her I was working part-time, and that I had been sick. "I knew that," she replied. "No one told me, but I knew that. We're all getting older, but. . . I could tell."

This woman is a psychotherapist, too, and just as sweet as pie. I wanted to smack her.

Melinda said...

PS- Immediately made an appt at the hair salon after that encounter to get rid of my grays. Ah, vanity!!

Stay well-

Melinda (Miranda from LLS board)

Ann said...

I've always suspected that pantyhose could kill you. I'm hoping you come through this unscathed, if just a little tired. You're a tough woman, so I have faith.